New Year...

I wanted to type in white, because it's pure and stuff...but...yeah.....Here's pink. 

Why do people make resolutions?  Why? I mean, people can say that they'll keep them...But how many actually do? 

Although I'll make some....I don't like to have the pressure to complete it. So, these are more like things that  I'd like to accomplish...No pressure.

1. Stop holding grudges. I forgive you. I forgive  all the shit you've put me through. I don't forgive you for the shit you put her through...but I forgive you for the shit you've done to me and I hope you know this.

2.  Being happy.  It's hard...But, I have to work on it. Everybody thinks I'm happy go lucky all the time....buuuuuut, not so much...Recently a few things have dampered that...but hopefully  I can get to the place where I'm genuinely happy. 

3.  Good grades, blahblahblah

4.  SELF ESTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM....I'm getting better at this, but it could be better..

5.  Don't apologize for who I am, but don't hurt anyone because of it..

Okay, seriously....I'm gonna  work on these....I need your help... :)

Love you guys,

Beautiful Absurdities 

"This is What it Sounds like When doves Cry."

So this blog isn't particularly gonna be happy. Sorry if you were expecting it to be.

I feel so weird that we kind of " ended" things. I know we weren't dating at all, but it sucks to end a chapter...You know you'll never lose me, but I'm still really sad.  I hate that you don't talk to me. I hate that you don't know what to say to me. And I really hate that you're trying to be less attached. I know, I know...You're supposed to not be so attached to me, but, still makes me sad. I don't wanna make you sad. I don't want you to be upset, ever. I don't want to disappoint you...I don't...I don't want to just be another girl that disappoints you and then we have awkward conversations. You have been such a rock for me. I don't think you realize this. I really don't think it ever sinks in how much a person affects you, until something strange happens...Like that conversation...Then everything that you think about after makes you nostalgic and you feel all these weird things. I will miss everything. This is not a goodbye or anything...Nothing like that, I'm not going anywhere. I just...Well, I don't have to say it. Anyway...It wont get out of my head. 

I'm also really upset about the Shay stuff that happened today. I had a great time...That's not what I'm talking about. But, we had a conversation and whenever I think about it I tear up and cry...It sucks. She was telling me how the distance sucked between her and my brother. I don't wanna say anything more right now....But, yeah...Sucks.

I feel like everyone is in love. I look everywhere and there is love...I'm just lonely...It's not like I'm lonely to be in love...But it'd be nice to have someone. I mean, it only happens on certain days...But I just wanna be held and  have someone tell me they love me and everything is going to be okay...I have so much love to give. So much. I feel like there isn't someone who could honestly handle or appreciate it, so I tend to keep it to myself. I feel like all I ever do in relationships is give, and it's never enough. I don't understand why. I don't understand why someone just can't love me back and why I haven't been excited about love in a really long time. What's wrong with me?

So I'm gonna try this new thing and write a poem on the spot. So, don't critique it too much...It might suck...

You never realize it

Never realize that you have

everything

Anything you can ask for.

Breathing

Family

Friends

Such miracles

Would you recognize a miracle,

if you saw one?

Well I have

I do

everyday.

They say life is too short for sadness

but without it

would we appreciate happiness?

I don't believe I would.

Tears

refreshing

crying

grounding

Breakdowns

beautiful.

So why do you fear it?

Today I was in a booth

with the love of my blood's

life.

She was thinking about putting 

a dam

in between the waters

so she could see this blood

whenever she wished.

But didn't know how.

Neither did I

And now I cry.

Like a river

it's always different

every time a path is put there.

Whether one likes it or not

Distances cannot be fused together...

People cannot be fused together.

And if in some time in the future

We become ostracized and  are brought to sea

I hope it's you

who comes out with me.

A Snowy Day and A Hurt Arm

So it's super snowy outside and I'm suck inside...With nobody....Kinda depressing...Also, I have a hurt arm.  There's a long story in that....Ready for it??  h'kay..

So recently, I've been hanging out with my friend Peter Martin...He lives off campus and whatnot and I think it's pretty rad...SO! One day I  had just arrived there and I, stupidly, forgot something in my car...I had my backpack on and it was really heavy and included a  LOT of books and my laptop, of all things....So I jump off the cliff think in his driveway and clear that...I'm totally fine with it...grab what I need and then  thought " I could totally clear this again"...Ran, jumped...and fell into the grass....you know, broke my fall and also hurt my knee. So that's one theory of how my arm got fucked up.

Second theory: I was at the same friends house and we were on our way back to my dorm...He was dropping me off. Soooo I had been trying to be careful since the first incident....yeahhhhI definitely didn't see ice on the ground...jumped down, slipped....Tried to break my fall...got hurt, y'know...that whole thing...Ouch..

Third theory: Peter and I have been wrestling like  WHOA lately...and he always puts my arm in weird positions...Could this be the case? I dunno!

So it's been quite interesting.. Then last night happened... heh

I went to the Palace diner( for old times sake)....It actually wasn't as bad as I had imagined...Ed and I were at different ends of the table...I actually said hello to him because I thought it was the night thing to do....We just all caught up and talked about old times...It was very nice...I needed it....I hadn't seem some of them in months...So...yeah.

Anyway...My arm is killing me so I need to stop this rant...

Ouch and things,

Beautiful Absurdities

So close I can taste it..

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! EVERYONE IN THE DUCHESS COUNTY AREA!!

I will be returning Wed. afternoon/night...Should you want to have a visit with me, call my cellphone...or message me .

I miss home...I'm so glad I'm coming home and that I'm done with a semester at Pace University come Tuesday...

I love it here, but now it's time to relax...It's been quite the semester.

Alright, I'm on my way to Connecticut, YAYYY

Adios,

Beautiful Absurdities

Can't do my homework until my mind is cleared...

So...I can't focus on homework until I write this down... I have soo much shit to do, it's unfuckingbelievable. I'm so stressed out...I don't know what to do first...I have three weeks left....I mean, it's just a lot at one time...and I mean, yes..I did it to myself, I could have worked on this little by little...but I also had a million other little projects to do in between...

AHHHHH

Ok...Lets just show you what I have to do:

Family dynamics: I have to write a shitload about my family in different subjects or concepts...like religion, dates, ethnicity, sib. position, etc,etc...and I have to get info from my family, because obviously I don't know all this crap. AND I have to relate it to the text...and then there's another part to the paper.. AND I have to do a genogram( the map of your family and info and such)

Psych of personal adjustment- 7-10 page paper on " The Secret"....Have you read this book? Yeah, don't. I liked it as a younger person, but, now it's just total crap. Anyway...yuck.

Psych 110- I have to fucking pull up my grade hardcore because I'm not doing so well in it. Fuck intro classes, serrrrrriously and teachers who are not conducive to my learning techniques.

Public speaking- I have to finish my power point, finish my speech, get my " product" together, and then be ready for tomorrow..

Yeah...Three weeks... :(

Also, something bad is going down with a friend...I'm not happy...I'm about to crack...Just get me through the next three weeks....For the love of God...please.. :(

Thanks..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..

I have not been this full in  QUITE some time....oh man.

That's all,

Beautiful Absurdities.

"Love makes us act like we are fools."

Love does make us act like we are fools.. Love kills me and kisses me all at the same time...Until I don't know what to do with myself, but give into it.  I hate that I have such a big heart sometimes because that means I have more of a chance of getting hurt...And I've been hurt a couple of times. I don't want to be hurt again, but I don't want to hold back any longer either....

I've told several people that the next man in my life needs to sweep me off my feet. This is true...I don't mean literally, although, that'd be splendid if said guy did this. I mean, he has to speak to my heart....He has to understand that I'm friendly, but I am loyal...He has to accept my quirks...He must be patient...He mustn't ask me a million questions about my whereabouts, but that isn't to say that I don't want him to take interest. I don't know...I know people are thinking " Don't have such high standards", but, why the hell shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I want the best? I think I'm a pretty good catch...It's just, sometimes you need to be with people who teach you how to make mistakes and how to make it better. 

I won't apologize for my high standards. One of my friends( I think you read this, so this is totally a shout out), told me I need a " Rock star" boyfriend...One who is totally good looking but you know, can keep up with me and be sweet and things. I appreciated that a lot...I think that says a lot about me. Sometimes I think that'll never happen...But stranger things  HAVE happened.

I know  YOU'RE  reading this...that last paragraph was not to offend....I love you a lot. I'm just saying...You and I are  NOT alike  ha ha, but, we do have a lot of the same thoughts. I appreciate you a lot and you are the best guy friend...However,  you're in your own category. You know me through and through...It's a beautiful thing. If life worked the way we wanted....*sigh*...I'm contented with what we have though...I dunno, it just feels right. Heh, the last time I heard that was from Edward Gibbons-brown...That's a weird one...sheesh...MOVING ON...since he clearly has.

Someone else told me they loved me last night. It's overwhelming to me, I never knew I had this great of an impact on people's lives. I'm just me. That's it, that's really all there is. I am just me. I don't feel that significant...Then all of a sudden, someone comes out with that and I feel...Well...It's not a normal reaction...My heart races and I feel bad because sometimes I really can't say it back, and the look on their faces is awful. Last night it was online though, because it was like 230am, sooo...yeah, couldn't really be face to face or anything, and we definitely raged about that.  If it's so easy for people to love me, why is it so damned hard for me to love others...and I mean romantically....

What I wouldn't do for some butterflies...*sigh*

On a side note...This font color is the color of my nails...

On ANOTHER side note, I really can't wait to be home and see all my friends...tears of joy just might happen...I wouldn't be surprised...I've been really emotional lately..Could be do to some girl things, buuuut, I've been emotional for like two weeks now.

ANYWAY...enough of my soapbox...

Please comment me!!! I enjoy reading them and  they are alllllways encouraged.

Tuesdays in paradise,

Beautiful Absurdities.

The WORLD has GONE inSANE

I hate people.

People who don't care about others feelings.

People who are so selfish.

Who don't care if you ever mattered to them.

Who don't mind if you know what's going on with them,

they just don't care....

I hate those people.

You know me....I don't hate...I just don't...But, I have no tolerance for these types of people.  

Ed and Kat are together....My worst fear came true..It's just really shitty to know that...To know that for my entire relations with him, he was thinking of her...broke my heart...and now they're together. I don't even want him in my life romantically anymore, it just really, really stings now....I don't know how to feel about it. I'm also upset for Bailey....I sincerely dislike Kathryn. 

Anyway...other than that it was a really good weekend...even if  the play wasn't that wonderful...

Thank  YOU for reading my blog...I swear if I didn't have my friends I'd probably be in a psych ward or something...

I can't type anymore....

more to come, 

B.Absurdities 

I'm still alive

I know that I haven't written in a really long time...But I promise you that once life decided to quiet down a bit, I'll catch you up on the crazy!

Love you all,

B.A.

A Rainbow of Thoughts.

Pink is my favorite color...No, not really blue is, but yeah!  Aerosmith FTW.

So, I'm still quite annoyed with how people are reacting to this election. It's so fucked up, seriously. Like, get the fuck over yourselves.  People are saying that he's a marxist and that he's gonna start communism here. That's bullshit. I can't stand ignorance, seriiiiously. 

This is a pretty color too. Damn, I was just trying to think of another clever lyric, but, alas, I do not have one. lo siento.

 I think this is gonna be a blog that is so random that when you read it, you'll be thinking, um...What the hell were you on Beautiful Absurdities?  Well kids, you answer is life! I feel like it's getting better and I'm excited for what's coming!  It's taken me a while, but I'm back....I believe. 

I, JACK, THE PUMPKIN KING, HAVE GROWN SO TIRED OF THE SAME OL' THING!

Me too Jack, Me too! I honestly want to get out there and see what there is to see and do what there is to do.  So, hopefully things start comin' around the mountain as one would say. 

Everything in life is only for now!

Yes, yes it is...We must be appreciative of what we have...Also...Nothing is promised to us, and lots of people have issues with that.  Well, from now on, I'm gonna try to keep this in my head.  

THE REVOLUTION STARTS NOW!

THE END,

Beautiful Absurdities

Where?

This is a pretty color, so I chose that.

I miss sleeping with someone. I mean literally sleeping next to someone. It's weird because I got so used to Heidi having a side, and then before that Ed and  it's weird not having anyone there. I just feel such comfort when it happens. Anyway, yea, I miss that.

Today was such a long day...Seriously...I woke up at 740 and then did work, then went to class, then hung around...but even THAT gets exhausting, then went to another class, then mediated a classmate, and then got food...I'm so exhausted, but will probably not sleep for a long while.

Can I just say I'm so fucking sick of homework already....It's just like, always on my back, I never have one day where there isn't something I SHOULD be doing. I get it...I mean, there is always gonna be homework, but I'm just exhausted by it. 

I miss you! Seriously, I never really have in depth conversations with  YOU and it's weird. We're always running and I think it's about time we made...erm...time for each other. It's weird, like, I know that I have a lot of things to say to you, but then when we talk, I have no clue what to talk about and I just wind up talking about anything the pops into my mind.

BDIZZlE! Ugh, miss you like you wouldn't believe. I hate that we won't see each other for another few weeks....School doesn't feel right without you around. We have GOT to get together...good grief. 

YAY TO Obama winning, boo to those who are being sore about it and are talking all this shit about him..You don't know what he's going to be like, so stop being douche bags.

THANK YOU!!

Anyhow, I have no idea what I'm doing tonight...I might just take in a movie or something, who really knows.

Hope you're all having good nights!

xoxoxo,

Beautiful Absurdities.

MY President

Obama  is  MY president. I have never been more proud of this country. There  IS hope. 2009 here we come!!!!!!! :)

Also, my " uncle" won too. Robert McKeon! 

What a night.

God Bless The United States,

Beautiful Absurdities

Change history.

This blog is simple....Vote. If you don't vote, don't complain...You have nobody to blame but yourself if the outcome isn't what you wanted. You must vote...This is the election our kids will be asking if we voted in.  Do you want to be the one who tells them you did, or the one who says you didn't vote because it was too late? I know I wouldn't.  DO IT!

Thank you.

Vote.

Or.

Die.

<3,

B.A.

A Little Change

A change before me

A change beyond me too.

They say that life will change you

Into something new.

Holding on is easy

Not letting go, it's true.

Your path will help to learn the cue,

but change is hard to do.

And  when the sun

Decides the day is done

And the night is anew.

Twenty thousand and one

heartbeats, to keep dreams from coming

undone.

A college dorm

A baby's cry

A tear upon the floor.

A golden locket from the past

At last, now something more.

The change in them

Is the change in you-

Now the opening of a door.

They pour

The change

In

You.

I suddenly was extremely inspired and this is what came out for me.  I  have felt such change in my life that it gets so overwhelming, and I wanted people to be able to relate to it as well.  Everyone has to deal with change, whether it's  moving away from your parents house,  getting married, having a baby, or maybe even a change in your mind set...Whatever it is....It's never an easy thing to do.  

I'm reading this book called  The Secret,  and it's all about the laws of attraction, how you can get to where you want to be, just by  your positive thoughts. It tells how you send out your thoughts to the universe and the universe  gives you more situations to make those  thoughts become  things.. I think everyone can be improve their lives just by practicing this. 

Anyhow...Time to start my  day.

Thank you for reading,

Beautiful Absurdities

I must be dreaming! Wake up Jackie, this isn't fair! What's this?

"But I never intended all this madness, never

And nobody really understood, how could they?

That all I ever wanted was to bring them something great

Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?"

~The Pumpkin King

I  love that movie so much! I don't have really that much to report...except  that midterms are shitty and pointless.  Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! 

This weekend has been pretty rad though....A lot of people have visited me  this weekend and I'm going to see my friend Thomas preform  in a show...Toooootally free too, he  gave me a ticket! I'm so excited! 

SOOOOOOO much work to do still! But at least it's not craziness like this past week. I think I'd fall over and die. Amirite?

We're reading " The Secret" for class! I'm soooo stoked! If you haven't read it, you need to. That's it....Go to the book store right this moment and get it! Yes you, silly luke....and you mr. Bassit...and you! GAME DESIGNER! hehehehe..Totally a shout out to my hommies! 

I hope that everyone has a  terrifying Halloween!!!!!!

Love and pumpkins!

~* Beautiful Absurdities*~

Who am I to you?

Who am I to determine your future?

I am merely myself

Nothing more

but nothing less.

I wish I could take a rest

But life will not allow it.

You are there

and I am here

Far apart

but somehow near

Still it doesn't

Subside the fear

And I don't know how to 

Stop it.

I guess it's that I hold back on things that are good for me. I think that I try so hard to just be me because I've been so hurt that, if I was hurt again, I don't know if my heart could handle it. Lots of guys will say " I'd never hurt you", and maybe they wouldn't, but it's not something someone can truly  predict.  Here's my thing, I can't and won't do long distance...And, unfortunately, there is someone I would  be with, if he wasn't there.  With that being said, I want us both to see what's out there.  Being best friends is a tough thing, and having feelings for said person, is a lot more tough.  The thing is, losing this person would kill me. I've already lost a best friend  by having a relationship with him, I don't need to do that again....And I think that's another reason why I keep putting it off.

I know I probably sound like a wanker, but I honestly can't help it....I'm so closed off emotionally sometimes, that it's hard for me to open up to people. At the same time, I'd like to find that person that I can see on a regular basis and just enjoy time, I'd like to be able to  put my trust in someone without being afraid of betrayal, I'd like to be able to share my time with someone....But I'm not gonna push anything. I'm me, that's it...If someone wants to join me and spend some time with my crazy self, I'm not pushing away this time. It's time to take risks again, and you know what? I'm really excited about it!

Rice and Beans,

Beautiful Absurdities 

I have no words.

   Kinda funny that I'm saying I have no words, yet, I'm  writing a blog.  I guess it's that this has been a rough weekend for me.  I dunno- first something happened with my friends that I can't really go into, because it's a private thing...but, the other thing was that I was supposed to work the footballl game and I totally forgot...Luckily it was taken care of, but I feel like such an idiot..I feel like I am losing my mind. I guess I just have a lot on my mind lately and I'm not sure how to take care of some of it. 

Anyway..I think I'm ready to get back into the " looking" scene...I am ready to date and it is a wonderful feeling. I honestly don't want to just go out there and find a random guy...This guy has got to be special, or he's not for me. I might not have the best track record, but, that's all about to change. 

Thanks for the ear,

Beautiful Absurdities 

Good Morning with a cup of Anxiety

 I knew that  a four year college wouldn't be easy...I know I'm not doing horrible...I'm just nervous that I will fall behind if I don't ask for the help that I need. So I've decided to take advantage of the services that I'm entitled to. Which, I have been really stubborn in the fact that I've been wanting to do this all on my own...But the fact of the matter is, it's too much for me..too much.  The thing that I have to put my mind to is getting this interview business done...and I mean, I'm the interviewee, so it won't be awful, because I'm basically selling myself and I know what I've done and stuff...So, that will be good. 

So that's that.  I feel like I go home....A lot..But, the reasoning this weekend is so that I get a whole mess of homework done, help my mom out with things, and get to see my brother and Shay again..I really missed them and I still want to see them...So yeah, that's going to be good....I just can't get work done in my dorm...I need to start like...living at the Library, because if I don't, again...I'll fall behind.  Mom said that Andrew was always coming home too, and I suppose this is true...or going to Boston...So I shouldn't feel horrible, but yet I do, because we paid so much for this room and I barely stay in it. I mean, November is a diff. story, because I have a lot going on that month and I really want to get good grades.

I spent time with Jared yesterday...That was so much fun....At first I was really anxious because I didn't know how it was going to go, but after a while it felt comfortable again...We were being silly per usual and  I had such a good time. Not to mention that we went to Poet's Walk. That is my favorite place of all time...I always tell people that's where my soul lies, and it honestly does. I only go there with people I truly feel like I can let in. But yeah, we always talked about what it'd be like to share fall together when we were dating...We never got to experience that, but we did yesterday and it was grand. 

What I ultimately need to stop doing is self doubting, because it just makes things so much worse, and  puts me in a toxic mindset. I know that I do that...and seriously, my mom does too...My mom and I are so much alike that it sometimes scares me...But, at the same time, it's nice to have someone who can relate to me so fully. I don't know what I'd do without her in my life. She makes sense of everything that makes me have this intense anxiety.

Anyway, I need to get to work shortly, but, I figured I'd fill you all in on why I'm a crazy person right now.

Love always,

Beautiful Absurdities 

Just Breathe

It's weird....I can feel wonderful one second and then the next, I feel completely awful. I flood of terrible thoughts happen. All I want to do is drive home right now...All I want to do is hang out with my friends, but I honestly don't think that any of them are going to be home when I'm there....I feel good because Andrew is coming home. I miss him a lot. I'm glad that he's not gonna be  too far away anymore.  It gets super, super quiet at home without him.

I called my therapist today and she called me while I was asleep...And she said that she would call back later and I haven't heard from her...So that sort of makes me feel anxious.....I mean, knowing what I got on my test for Psych 110 makes me nervous too, because it's my major and I should be getting really great grades for it. I fear failure, extremely...It's a really bad thing, because it's gonna happen in my life regardless...I dunno. 

I also need to start working out...It's not okay  to be out of breathe when walking up three flights of stairs...I have a 21 year old heart. LAME.

Anyway, I should probably get work done....I might even take a nap ha ha. Wow, I'm officially pathetic.

love love love,

Beautiful Absurdities 

This is dedicated to Bailey Darling and Jesus Codeword

I decided to type this in green because I'm pretty sure this is their favorite color....I'm not positive, but I know it's BD's.

Hi guys--

First, I love you both, thank you for being in my life, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be at Pace, or I wouldn't be sane here. Thank you for being the most understanding people I've ever met in my life.

So today I definitely slept past the time I was supposed to...So that was ducky. I rushed to school and did a loooot of interview work( we have to do a mock interview for public speaking). My partner is pretty nifty...So, yeah, I dunno, it's nice to have someone who takes control, because usually I do, and then I get super stressed and it's obnoxious.  So yeah....That was the morning..

My second class was pretty cool too, we had a " trance' workshop...I fell asleep three times, it was bloody marvelous. I got a B+ on my assignment, so I was a happy girl. :-D 

I miss my home people already..Bailey, that weekend wasn't enough and it makes me sad that you're not close enough to come here if you want. Grr to that. ANyway, you're amazing and I'm happy you're finally happy and doing great things in life.

Jesus, My Jesus. You're wonderful. You are..I mean, we've been through so much, and it amazes me that we're still so so so close because of all the intense things we've talked about.  I know times get kinda rough, but I know that they're happening for a reason. I know that everything will work itself out eventually...But I swear to you, if you don't go out and have fun, I'm gonna beat you!  ha ha, no...Just kidding...but really.

I honestly have nothing interesting to report, except that I went to Midnight Madness tonight and it was really fun and made me feel like part of the Pace Community. Twas lovely.

Alright, Love you both...You're probably my only readers and I'm so so so content with that.

xoxo,

Beautiful Absurdities 

This is How I Go

I love you(

That means I love you. I just thought that would be cool for my oh so many readers. 

Firstly, thank you for reading my blog, I really appreciate it. I mean, ultimately, it's for me. But, I'll try not to be an extremely boring writer for the lot of you. But ultimately...YOU. Haha..

See, I thought this would be a good way to get on with my project that I have to do for one of my classes. We have to make this six week goals, three of them. My three are: 1. Boost my self esteem 2. Work out at least Monday and Thursday 3. Write for myself, as opposed to anything for classes...Y'know, just take time for myself. I didn't really know how I'd feel about having a blog again, but, I think  it'll be fun...I just have to keep up with it, because I tend to  let it go...But I think that if it's school related, I'll do it....Kinda a conundrum...You know, because I'm wanting to write for me, but it's for school? Hmm..

ANYWAY,  I'll probably write a lot more later, but just waking up has it's downfalls in the writing department. 

BYYYYYYYEEE,

Love and peace,

Beautiful Absurdities