New Year...

I wanted to type in white, because it's pure and stuff...but...yeah.....Here's pink. 

Why do people make resolutions?  Why? I mean, people can say that they'll keep them...But how many actually do? 

Although I'll make some....I don't like to have the pressure to complete it. So, these are more like things that  I'd like to accomplish...No pressure.

1. Stop holding grudges. I forgive you. I forgive  all the shit you've put me through. I don't forgive you for the shit you put her through...but I forgive you for the shit you've done to me and I hope you know this.

2.  Being happy.  It's hard...But, I have to work on it. Everybody thinks I'm happy go lucky all the time....buuuuuut, not so much...Recently a few things have dampered that...but hopefully  I can get to the place where I'm genuinely happy. 

3.  Good grades, blahblahblah

4.  SELF ESTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM....I'm getting better at this, but it could be better..

5.  Don't apologize for who I am, but don't hurt anyone because of it..

Okay, seriously....I'm gonna  work on these....I need your help... :)

Love you guys,

Beautiful Absurdities 

"This is What it Sounds like When doves Cry."

So this blog isn't particularly gonna be happy. Sorry if you were expecting it to be.

I feel so weird that we kind of " ended" things. I know we weren't dating at all, but it sucks to end a chapter...You know you'll never lose me, but I'm still really sad.  I hate that you don't talk to me. I hate that you don't know what to say to me. And I really hate that you're trying to be less attached. I know, I know...You're supposed to not be so attached to me, but, still makes me sad. I don't wanna make you sad. I don't want you to be upset, ever. I don't want to disappoint you...I don't...I don't want to just be another girl that disappoints you and then we have awkward conversations. You have been such a rock for me. I don't think you realize this. I really don't think it ever sinks in how much a person affects you, until something strange happens...Like that conversation...Then everything that you think about after makes you nostalgic and you feel all these weird things. I will miss everything. This is not a goodbye or anything...Nothing like that, I'm not going anywhere. I just...Well, I don't have to say it. Anyway...It wont get out of my head. 

I'm also really upset about the Shay stuff that happened today. I had a great time...That's not what I'm talking about. But, we had a conversation and whenever I think about it I tear up and cry...It sucks. She was telling me how the distance sucked between her and my brother. I don't wanna say anything more right now....But, yeah...Sucks.

I feel like everyone is in love. I look everywhere and there is love...I'm just lonely...It's not like I'm lonely to be in love...But it'd be nice to have someone. I mean, it only happens on certain days...But I just wanna be held and  have someone tell me they love me and everything is going to be okay...I have so much love to give. So much. I feel like there isn't someone who could honestly handle or appreciate it, so I tend to keep it to myself. I feel like all I ever do in relationships is give, and it's never enough. I don't understand why. I don't understand why someone just can't love me back and why I haven't been excited about love in a really long time. What's wrong with me?

So I'm gonna try this new thing and write a poem on the spot. So, don't critique it too much...It might suck...

You never realize it

Never realize that you have

everything

Anything you can ask for.

Breathing

Family

Friends

Such miracles

Would you recognize a miracle,

if you saw one?

Well I have

I do

everyday.

They say life is too short for sadness

but without it

would we appreciate happiness?

I don't believe I would.

Tears

refreshing

crying

grounding

Breakdowns

beautiful.

So why do you fear it?

Today I was in a booth

with the love of my blood's

life.

She was thinking about putting 

a dam

in between the waters

so she could see this blood

whenever she wished.

But didn't know how.

Neither did I

And now I cry.

Like a river

it's always different

every time a path is put there.

Whether one likes it or not

Distances cannot be fused together...

People cannot be fused together.

And if in some time in the future

We become ostracized and  are brought to sea

I hope it's you

who comes out with me.

A Snowy Day and A Hurt Arm

So it's super snowy outside and I'm suck inside...With nobody....Kinda depressing...Also, I have a hurt arm.  There's a long story in that....Ready for it??  h'kay..

So recently, I've been hanging out with my friend Peter Martin...He lives off campus and whatnot and I think it's pretty rad...SO! One day I  had just arrived there and I, stupidly, forgot something in my car...I had my backpack on and it was really heavy and included a  LOT of books and my laptop, of all things....So I jump off the cliff think in his driveway and clear that...I'm totally fine with it...grab what I need and then  thought " I could totally clear this again"...Ran, jumped...and fell into the grass....you know, broke my fall and also hurt my knee. So that's one theory of how my arm got fucked up.

Second theory: I was at the same friends house and we were on our way back to my dorm...He was dropping me off. Soooo I had been trying to be careful since the first incident....yeahhhhI definitely didn't see ice on the ground...jumped down, slipped....Tried to break my fall...got hurt, y'know...that whole thing...Ouch..

Third theory: Peter and I have been wrestling like  WHOA lately...and he always puts my arm in weird positions...Could this be the case? I dunno!

So it's been quite interesting.. Then last night happened... heh

I went to the Palace diner( for old times sake)....It actually wasn't as bad as I had imagined...Ed and I were at different ends of the table...I actually said hello to him because I thought it was the night thing to do....We just all caught up and talked about old times...It was very nice...I needed it....I hadn't seem some of them in months...So...yeah.

Anyway...My arm is killing me so I need to stop this rant...

Ouch and things,

Beautiful Absurdities

So close I can taste it..

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! EVERYONE IN THE DUCHESS COUNTY AREA!!

I will be returning Wed. afternoon/night...Should you want to have a visit with me, call my cellphone...or message me .

I miss home...I'm so glad I'm coming home and that I'm done with a semester at Pace University come Tuesday...

I love it here, but now it's time to relax...It's been quite the semester.

Alright, I'm on my way to Connecticut, YAYYY

Adios,

Beautiful Absurdities

Can't do my homework until my mind is cleared...

So...I can't focus on homework until I write this down... I have soo much shit to do, it's unfuckingbelievable. I'm so stressed out...I don't know what to do first...I have three weeks left....I mean, it's just a lot at one time...and I mean, yes..I did it to myself, I could have worked on this little by little...but I also had a million other little projects to do in between...

AHHHHH

Ok...Lets just show you what I have to do:

Family dynamics: I have to write a shitload about my family in different subjects or concepts...like religion, dates, ethnicity, sib. position, etc,etc...and I have to get info from my family, because obviously I don't know all this crap. AND I have to relate it to the text...and then there's another part to the paper.. AND I have to do a genogram( the map of your family and info and such)

Psych of personal adjustment- 7-10 page paper on " The Secret"....Have you read this book? Yeah, don't. I liked it as a younger person, but, now it's just total crap. Anyway...yuck.

Psych 110- I have to fucking pull up my grade hardcore because I'm not doing so well in it. Fuck intro classes, serrrrrriously and teachers who are not conducive to my learning techniques.

Public speaking- I have to finish my power point, finish my speech, get my " product" together, and then be ready for tomorrow..

Yeah...Three weeks... :(

Also, something bad is going down with a friend...I'm not happy...I'm about to crack...Just get me through the next three weeks....For the love of God...please.. :(