I must be dreaming! Wake up Jackie, this isn't fair! What's this?

"But I never intended all this madness, never

And nobody really understood, how could they?

That all I ever wanted was to bring them something great

Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?"

~The Pumpkin King

I  love that movie so much! I don't have really that much to report...except  that midterms are shitty and pointless.  Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! 

This weekend has been pretty rad though....A lot of people have visited me  this weekend and I'm going to see my friend Thomas preform  in a show...Toooootally free too, he  gave me a ticket! I'm so excited! 

SOOOOOOO much work to do still! But at least it's not craziness like this past week. I think I'd fall over and die. Amirite?

We're reading " The Secret" for class! I'm soooo stoked! If you haven't read it, you need to. That's it....Go to the book store right this moment and get it! Yes you, silly luke....and you mr. Bassit...and you! GAME DESIGNER! hehehehe..Totally a shout out to my hommies! 

I hope that everyone has a  terrifying Halloween!!!!!!

Love and pumpkins!

~* Beautiful Absurdities*~

Who am I to you?

Who am I to determine your future?

I am merely myself

Nothing more

but nothing less.

I wish I could take a rest

But life will not allow it.

You are there

and I am here

Far apart

but somehow near

Still it doesn't

Subside the fear

And I don't know how to 

Stop it.

I guess it's that I hold back on things that are good for me. I think that I try so hard to just be me because I've been so hurt that, if I was hurt again, I don't know if my heart could handle it. Lots of guys will say " I'd never hurt you", and maybe they wouldn't, but it's not something someone can truly  predict.  Here's my thing, I can't and won't do long distance...And, unfortunately, there is someone I would  be with, if he wasn't there.  With that being said, I want us both to see what's out there.  Being best friends is a tough thing, and having feelings for said person, is a lot more tough.  The thing is, losing this person would kill me. I've already lost a best friend  by having a relationship with him, I don't need to do that again....And I think that's another reason why I keep putting it off.

I know I probably sound like a wanker, but I honestly can't help it....I'm so closed off emotionally sometimes, that it's hard for me to open up to people. At the same time, I'd like to find that person that I can see on a regular basis and just enjoy time, I'd like to be able to  put my trust in someone without being afraid of betrayal, I'd like to be able to share my time with someone....But I'm not gonna push anything. I'm me, that's it...If someone wants to join me and spend some time with my crazy self, I'm not pushing away this time. It's time to take risks again, and you know what? I'm really excited about it!

Rice and Beans,

Beautiful Absurdities 

I have no words.

   Kinda funny that I'm saying I have no words, yet, I'm  writing a blog.  I guess it's that this has been a rough weekend for me.  I dunno- first something happened with my friends that I can't really go into, because it's a private thing...but, the other thing was that I was supposed to work the footballl game and I totally forgot...Luckily it was taken care of, but I feel like such an idiot..I feel like I am losing my mind. I guess I just have a lot on my mind lately and I'm not sure how to take care of some of it. 

Anyway..I think I'm ready to get back into the " looking" scene...I am ready to date and it is a wonderful feeling. I honestly don't want to just go out there and find a random guy...This guy has got to be special, or he's not for me. I might not have the best track record, but, that's all about to change. 

Thanks for the ear,

Beautiful Absurdities 

Good Morning with a cup of Anxiety

 I knew that  a four year college wouldn't be easy...I know I'm not doing horrible...I'm just nervous that I will fall behind if I don't ask for the help that I need. So I've decided to take advantage of the services that I'm entitled to. Which, I have been really stubborn in the fact that I've been wanting to do this all on my own...But the fact of the matter is, it's too much for me..too much.  The thing that I have to put my mind to is getting this interview business done...and I mean, I'm the interviewee, so it won't be awful, because I'm basically selling myself and I know what I've done and stuff...So, that will be good. 

So that's that.  I feel like I go home....A lot..But, the reasoning this weekend is so that I get a whole mess of homework done, help my mom out with things, and get to see my brother and Shay again..I really missed them and I still want to see them...So yeah, that's going to be good....I just can't get work done in my dorm...I need to start like...living at the Library, because if I don't, again...I'll fall behind.  Mom said that Andrew was always coming home too, and I suppose this is true...or going to Boston...So I shouldn't feel horrible, but yet I do, because we paid so much for this room and I barely stay in it. I mean, November is a diff. story, because I have a lot going on that month and I really want to get good grades.

I spent time with Jared yesterday...That was so much fun....At first I was really anxious because I didn't know how it was going to go, but after a while it felt comfortable again...We were being silly per usual and  I had such a good time. Not to mention that we went to Poet's Walk. That is my favorite place of all time...I always tell people that's where my soul lies, and it honestly does. I only go there with people I truly feel like I can let in. But yeah, we always talked about what it'd be like to share fall together when we were dating...We never got to experience that, but we did yesterday and it was grand. 

What I ultimately need to stop doing is self doubting, because it just makes things so much worse, and  puts me in a toxic mindset. I know that I do that...and seriously, my mom does too...My mom and I are so much alike that it sometimes scares me...But, at the same time, it's nice to have someone who can relate to me so fully. I don't know what I'd do without her in my life. She makes sense of everything that makes me have this intense anxiety.

Anyway, I need to get to work shortly, but, I figured I'd fill you all in on why I'm a crazy person right now.

Love always,

Beautiful Absurdities 

Just Breathe

It's weird....I can feel wonderful one second and then the next, I feel completely awful. I flood of terrible thoughts happen. All I want to do is drive home right now...All I want to do is hang out with my friends, but I honestly don't think that any of them are going to be home when I'm there....I feel good because Andrew is coming home. I miss him a lot. I'm glad that he's not gonna be  too far away anymore.  It gets super, super quiet at home without him.

I called my therapist today and she called me while I was asleep...And she said that she would call back later and I haven't heard from her...So that sort of makes me feel anxious.....I mean, knowing what I got on my test for Psych 110 makes me nervous too, because it's my major and I should be getting really great grades for it. I fear failure, extremely...It's a really bad thing, because it's gonna happen in my life regardless...I dunno. 

I also need to start working out...It's not okay  to be out of breathe when walking up three flights of stairs...I have a 21 year old heart. LAME.

Anyway, I should probably get work done....I might even take a nap ha ha. Wow, I'm officially pathetic.

love love love,

Beautiful Absurdities 

This is dedicated to Bailey Darling and Jesus Codeword

I decided to type this in green because I'm pretty sure this is their favorite color....I'm not positive, but I know it's BD's.

Hi guys--

First, I love you both, thank you for being in my life, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be at Pace, or I wouldn't be sane here. Thank you for being the most understanding people I've ever met in my life.

So today I definitely slept past the time I was supposed to...So that was ducky. I rushed to school and did a loooot of interview work( we have to do a mock interview for public speaking). My partner is pretty nifty...So, yeah, I dunno, it's nice to have someone who takes control, because usually I do, and then I get super stressed and it's obnoxious.  So yeah....That was the morning..

My second class was pretty cool too, we had a " trance' workshop...I fell asleep three times, it was bloody marvelous. I got a B+ on my assignment, so I was a happy girl. :-D 

I miss my home people already..Bailey, that weekend wasn't enough and it makes me sad that you're not close enough to come here if you want. Grr to that. ANyway, you're amazing and I'm happy you're finally happy and doing great things in life.

Jesus, My Jesus. You're wonderful. You are..I mean, we've been through so much, and it amazes me that we're still so so so close because of all the intense things we've talked about.  I know times get kinda rough, but I know that they're happening for a reason. I know that everything will work itself out eventually...But I swear to you, if you don't go out and have fun, I'm gonna beat you!  ha ha, no...Just kidding...but really.

I honestly have nothing interesting to report, except that I went to Midnight Madness tonight and it was really fun and made me feel like part of the Pace Community. Twas lovely.

Alright, Love you both...You're probably my only readers and I'm so so so content with that.

xoxo,

Beautiful Absurdities 

This is How I Go

I love you(

That means I love you. I just thought that would be cool for my oh so many readers. 

Firstly, thank you for reading my blog, I really appreciate it. I mean, ultimately, it's for me. But, I'll try not to be an extremely boring writer for the lot of you. But ultimately...YOU. Haha..

See, I thought this would be a good way to get on with my project that I have to do for one of my classes. We have to make this six week goals, three of them. My three are: 1. Boost my self esteem 2. Work out at least Monday and Thursday 3. Write for myself, as opposed to anything for classes...Y'know, just take time for myself. I didn't really know how I'd feel about having a blog again, but, I think  it'll be fun...I just have to keep up with it, because I tend to  let it go...But I think that if it's school related, I'll do it....Kinda a conundrum...You know, because I'm wanting to write for me, but it's for school? Hmm..

ANYWAY,  I'll probably write a lot more later, but just waking up has it's downfalls in the writing department. 

BYYYYYYYEEE,

Love and peace,

Beautiful Absurdities